Reacting To My Most Played Songs of 2020

I was never one of those teens who were into music. While Jehosheba would spend hours listening to her tunes, I only listened to mine when I wanted to be miserable and feel sorry for myself. At least that’s how it was most of the time.

2018 – 2021 were the years of my questionable music tastes. I’d bought into the whole “self-love” ideology and thought that I deserved everything I wanted and that everyone else was out to hurt my “mental health”. I was a very angry little person.

Recently, my siblings and I were comparing our old music to what we listen to now. I was honestly shocked by how much my tastes have changed. I thought it would be fun to relisten to my favorite songs from The Self Love Period and share my thoughts then vs now.

#1: Josh Garrels: A Long Way

There’s a time in our lives
To return, sacrifice
Wild grass has grown high
On the path between our lives
There’s a light in the trees
It’s closer now, I’m on my knees
Oh Father, forgive me, please
I came a long, long way back home
To see you one more time

Then: This was my favorite song because the tune was so heartbreakingly tragic. Did I really listen to the words? Not really, except the first few lines. Whenever I wanted to feel sad, I’d play this song because, oh, I really had lost so much (my motivation to brush my hair, for instance).

Now: I’ll be honest, I still like this song. Especially now that I listen to the words. But man, whenever I hear the beginning of the song, I just feel like I’m back in my bright pink room in Minnesota, on my bunk bed with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders, staring out into the bleak wintery nothingness and wondering if it would ever end.

#2: Hate Myself by NF

I walk through the ashes of my passions
Reminiscin’ with the baggage in my casket
Get lost in the questions I can’t answer
Can’t stand who I am, but it don’t matter
We scream to be free, but I stay captured

Then: This was the song that I listened to when I was really miserable. I’d sit in my closet and close my eyes and listen to this over and over. I thought that I related to everything that he said.

Now: I liked NF a lot back in the day because he was angry and depressed, and I was the same. I liked his rage against everyone. I liked that he didn’t just sing about happy stuff because life wasn’t happy, and I was so sick of Christian bands singing about how great everything was.

Now I cringe when I listen to the NF songs that I used to love. The anger, the bitterness…I reveled in it. It wasn’t helpful at all. I justified my anger by his.  Acknowledge the pain. Absolutely. But don’t wallow in it. I also see how obsessed NF is with wealth and the idea that money can buy happiness. I no longer agree with his ideology or believe that his songs are beneficial.

Calling You by KB

You know Jesus he wanted to die in that garden
Acquainted to man up his sorrows
But he kept up the fight
‘Cause he knew joy, it was coming tomorrow
You haven’t squeezed that revolver
‘Cause you know that there’s hope at the end of the tunnel
Embrace it, don’t matter how faint

Then: I found this song when people in my family and many of my friends were struggling with serious depression. When things seemed bad, I would listen to this song. Why? Because it’s about suicide and death and the fear that one man feels when he’s out of control and can’t help his friend.

Now: Eeek. I don’t like this song anymore. It was not fun to relisten to it after so many years. I also cringe because is it very biblical? No.

“You know Jesus he wanted to die in that garden”

Jesus was not suicidal. I’m not sure if that’s what it was implying or not, but that’s how I interpreted it. I used to love that line because it made me feel closer to Jesus. He wanted to die, and I did, too… But that’s not true. Jesus didn’t want to die. He prayed in the garden that God would take the cup away from him, but he submitted himself to the will of the Father.

God Only Knows by For King and Country

You keep a cover over every single secret
So afraid if someone saw them they would leave
But somebody, somebody, somebody sees you
Somebody, somebody will never leave you

Then: This was another one that I listened to a lot because it is about suicide as well. I listened to this when I couldn’t sleep and was afraid for others. I liked the idea that “God only knows” what was going on and that everyone else was blind and judging me and they couldn’t possibly understand what was happening inside of me.

Now: I do still like this song. I think it is encouraging and has some hopeful aspects to it. I don’t like how I used it – to promote my bitterness and selfishness, but overall this isn’t a bad song and I’d still listen to it today – but with a view to helping others who are struggling and not pitying myself.

SOS by We The Kingdom

I’m reaching out
One last plea
Is hope all gone?
Somebody save me

SOS
I’m lost at sea
Is hope all gone?
Somebody save me

Then: This was one that I only listened to for a few months, but a lot during that time. It became a sort of prayer for me. I was, of course, being overdramatic, but I related a lot to this song at that time.

Now: Hey, it’s a not a bad song! Especially when I don’t use it for making myself miserable, lol.

Start Over by Flame

To the broken-hearted that wished that they’d
Never been born, never been torn, never sinned, never disobeyed
I know you think there’s no hope, but that ain’t true, Jesus saves!

Then: I still remember the day when I listened to this one fifteen times in a row. I wanted so much to “start over” in my life. I was tired of being unhappy, tired of myself, tired of feeling empty, tired of my sin. I sat in an empty bedroom and cried so hard. I thought that I couldn’t get up anymore.

Now: I haven’t listened to this song since that day, so wow. It’s interesting to remember, but also to see what a different person I am now. But really, this is a very encouraging song with lots of scripture, and I don’t really have any criticism for it except maybe that it promotes the dangerous “cheap grace” ideology.

Shame by Andy Mineo

I feel like everyone know the secrets I wanna hide
And every time they ask me how I’m doing, I just say “I’m fine”
Too embarrassed to share it or maybe too much pride
I create my own prison, holding the keys inside
Punishing myself for all of these crimes
And I’m trying to convince God that I’m not a waste of His time

Then: I didn’t listen to this one as often as the others. I didn’t really listen to most of the words, but Josh Garrel & Andy Mineo’s tragic voices always encouraged my sad mood, lol. But I also related to the idea of hidden sin, of shame, of failing in life, and trying to put up a fake front.

Now: Eh, I mean, I wouldn’t listen to this song nowadays, but I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad song. It speaks of the reality of sin and shame, and Christ’s beautiful forgiveness.

Find Your Way by KB

You’re a masterpiece
Not a piece to be mastered, your master
You will not decide your the Master’s piece
That makes you flawless, flawless
Regardless, you’re a loved woman
Who taught you to hate your skin?
Who taught you to hate your lips?
Who taught you, huh?
Who saw you and made you live?
Who sought you and made you His?

Then: I listened to this song hundreds of times. I didn’t really know what the song was about, but I made up my own meaning based off of the few lyrics that I actually paid attention to. I hated men at that point and believed that they were all monsters who didn’t really care about women except for their own selfish desires. I clung to the line “You’re a masterpiece, not a piece to be mastered”.

Now: I don’t listen to this song anymore. I don’t know the story behind it. I’m on the fence about what I think of this song now.

Can You Hold Me by NF

Just wrap me in your arms, in your arms
I don’t wanna be nowhere else
Take me from the dark, from the dark
I ain’t gonna make it myself
Put your arms around me
Put your arms around me
Let your love surround me
I am lost

Then: I loved this song so much that I wrote a story about it. I loved how simple and tragic the tune was, and how haunting the words were. I would listen to this whenever I was lonely.

Now: I don’t know the story behind this song, but you know how I feel about most of NF’s music.

Hymn for the Missing by Red

Where are you now?
Are you lost?
Will I find you again?
Are you alone?
Are you afraid?
Are you searching for me?
Why did you go?
I had to stay
Now I’m reaching for you
Will you wait, will you wait?
Will I see you again?

Then: I listened to this one a lot after a friend died. It seemed to sum up the whole situation well, and was comforting.  

Now: Does this album (Until We Have Faces) have any connection to one of my favorite books – Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis? If so, my mind would be blown, and I would love this song all the more. As it is, it is a beautiful, tragic, heartbreaking song full of grief and hope and beauty and I still really like it.

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There were many other songs that I listened to (primarily Josh Garrels, Plumb, NF, and KB), but I’m tired of re-listening to my old music. It wasn’t as much fun as I thought it would be. 😆😢

After going through these songs, I see a pattern. Some of them were just plain bad (mainly NF, lol), but most of these songs aren’t awful. I just took them and twisted them to use them as a tool to stay in depression, to pity myself, to keep my bitterness alive, and to justify my sin. In and of themselves, they were okay, but I used them to sin. I no longer listen to this type of music for that reason. If you’re wondering what I listen to now, there will be another post soon on that topic!

Before I sign off, I have one more song from 2020 that was a favorite…Happy Dance by MercyMe! It’s one of the (few) happy, toe-tapping songs that I listened to often. This was my exercise song, and I loved it so much – especially when I was running. *laughs* And you know what? I still think it’s a great, fun song. Though the music video is a tad bit weird…

~Hattush

How has your music taste changed in the past few years? Have you ever used music in a wrong way? Let’s chat!