An Important Announcement & Reflections on Love and Pain

I have an announcement to make. A big one. If you’ve been following this blog for a while, I’m sure you can predict my next words. You’re probably just shaking your head and laughing.

You’re correct, my friend.

We are moving.

Again.

This time we’re off to Jacksonville, Florida.

Even though Utah was supposed to be our forever home.

Hurrah.

I’m not really as annoyed/depressed/upset as I sound. I want to move. I really do. Moving is the thing that I feel most comfortable doing. I love seeing new houses, new people, new places. I love the adventure and how thrilling it is. I know that Utah could never ever be home. I’ve known it since we first came here, a little over a year ago.

Why am I sad? Why is part of me kicking and screaming at the thought of leaving?

The truth is that I’ll…I’ll really miss Salt Lake City.

I haven’t been sad about leaving a place since we moved from our little hobby farm when I was ten. I’ve been annoyed sometimes. I’ve had little hints of sorrow about leaving a certain city or state. But all in all, I’ve not been sorry at all when we move. I’ve been at the front of the line, packing, cleaning and practically dashing out to the moving van full of cheer, joy, and excitement.

What’s different? What happened that made me love Utah?

People happened.

I’m a recluse. I like to be by myself and not engage with the outside world. People stress me out, make me more aware than ever of how different and weird I am and just cause a lot of anxiety and worry.

When I was a kid, I wasn’t outgoing by any means, but I had the ability to connect with people. Looking back it makes me laugh because I was so clueless as to how weird I must have seemed to others. I was always up for the rough and tumble games, always dashing around and playing ridiculous games. I loved people and somehow I could always get people to like me. Probably because they felt sorry for the weird little kid running around so clueless and lost-looking. XD

When I was elevenish, we decided to move again. The past few years had been rough. Mama was sick, I was going through puberty, and I was just generally angry over nothing. Moving meant that I would leave my two best (aka only) friends.

Something snapped and I decided that I wouldn’t talk to people ever again. I wouldn’t connect with anyone. What was the point? We would inevitably leave again and I couldn’t handle any more goodbyes, any more pain.

The next couple of years, I refused to talk to anyone outside of my family. I would barely nod. Yes, I’m completely embarrassed by that. A blight on the landscape of my childhood. XD Thank God for kind people who kept trying and who eventually coaxed me out of my shell a tiny bit.

I’ve gotten better over the years. If you talk to me, I won’t ignore you. XD But I never tried to make friends in person again. I became an obsessive pen pal and wrote as many people as I could find. But there was no reason to try to connect with people around me because sooner or later we would leave again.

Utah was supposed to be the place where we would live for the rest of our lives. Or the parents would, at least. They would settle down here and future us would travel here for the holidays with our own kids. I still didn’t see any reason to make in-person friends.

Then I got a job working with women with disabilities. Within weeks, my sweet girls had torn down all of my fences and all of the protective stones that I’d placed around my heart. I fell head over heels in love with each of them – despite how they drove me crazy and annoyed me to no end. They loved me, trusted me, gave me their hearts, and somehow, without really realizing it, I gave them mine.

I love my co-workers dearly. They were all so kind and patient with me as I learned everything, made stupid mistakes, and messed up. They were real friends and…I guess I knew I could always count on them no matter what. To be there and to listen and to do their best to help with whatever. They’re some of the best people I know.

One little job wrecked all of my carefully constructed walls. Even as I let myself love the girls more and more, I could hear a little voice in my head screaming at me for letting myself be so vulnerable. Because there was no way that we would stick around Utah.

Part of me wishes I had listened.

Most of me is glad that I didn’t.

Yeah, it’s going to hurt like heck to say goodbye to these girls and to know that I’ll probably never see them again. It’s going to hurt so, so, so badly and I really don’t want to face it. I don’t want my days with them to be over. I feel so disloyal to them; feel like I’m abandoning them and running away at a time when they need me most. I’m just going to miss them oh so badly.

This is why younger me quit talking to people. This is why little me gave up on the idea of having real friends and became a recluse. Relationships hurt. Abandoning people hurts. Loving hurts.

The day after we learned we were moving to Florida before I had told ANYONE, I went to work and one of my clients literally screamed with excitement at seeing me and hugged me for two minutes straight.

“I missed you! I love you! How are you today? I missed you! What are you doing? I missed you! I love you so much. A-ush is here!”

Then later that same day, I went to check on another of the girls. She doesn’t normally like to be touched and being too close to people makes her anxious. But she grabbed me, sat me down beside her, hugged me, kissed my cheek, and then put her head on my shoulder and sat like that for five minutes straight. She’s non-verbal but I could feel the love pouring out of her beautiful little soul.

Can I just say that my heart was in about a million pieces? 😢

A quote from C.S. Lewis’s book The Four Loves has been playing in my mind as I write this post.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

I’m so glad I loved these girls as deeply as I did. As I do. I don’t regret it at all. I’m so thankful for the time that God gave me to care for them and to be their friend. Their impact will stay with me forever. They’ve been a part of God’s hand, shaping me into the person that He means me to become.

It will hurt. It hurts. But it is worth it.

We are off to Jacksonville, Florida. We’re leaving at the beginning of May. MAY. (If anybody needs my new address, I’ll try to get it to you ASAP. We don’t have one as of yet but we will soon. Hopefully. Maybe. Or it could all just be choas.) A new state, a new part of the country. A new adventure awaits! I’m excited. I’m sad. I’m watching new life approach. May God’s name be praised in all of this. He is leading us.

~Hattush

I’m so sorry, this post is a MESS. Forgive me. It’s a brain dump as I try to wrap my mind around this new move and get ready for what God has in store for us.  It’s been a shock – not that we’re moving, but just that we’re leaving so soon. Pray for us as we once again journey into the unknown. Thank you, sweet friends, you’ve stuck with us through all of the chaos and all of the moves and everything. Love you all.