From the moment I was born, I was weird. I didn’t come to have that moment of revelation for many years. I thought every six year old was completely obsessed with chickens. I thought everyone wrote (and read!) books on them and spent every waking moment thinking about them and dreaming about a future in which I would own a massive chicken farm (and never ever kill any of them).
I thought everyone was terrified of storms and fireworks and put on headphones and buried themselves under the covers.
I thought everyone was fascinated by the miracle of birth and wanted to watch every little bit of it. (Truly, you guys, it’s amazing! Has anyone else here watched YouTube videos of real births for fun? That used to be my favorite form of entertainment).
I thought everyone was so shy that they refused to talk to people for months and months – and even then only a few words. (Thank God for people who kept trying to reach me and were so patient!)
I thought everyone moved every couple years and got to go on grand (and stressful) adventures.
I thought everyone wore long dresses, tons of necklaces, rings and bracelets – and the same old worn out sandals that barely stayed on my feet (which my sister threw away when I wasn’t there to rescue them *sniffles*).
I never realized that I was weird until I was twelve or thirteen. And then it suddenly became clear. Everyone else was normal. Everyone else loved to talk with friends and be in loud groups of people and play strange games and tell jokes and act…normal. And somehow I didn’t know how to be a part of that.
For a while I was so desperate to have friends outside of my family. I was so lonely and when someone finally was my friend (the above person who continued to put up with my *coughs* lack of speech), I clung to her with everything in me and gave her all of my devotion and love. And when that ended, I was so sad and miserable.
And I begged God to just make me normal. I had no clue why I was so different and why I couldn’t just be like all of the other millions of people in the world. I spent so many nights lying in bed crying because I didn’t understand why God would be so cruel to make me so weird when everyone else was so normal. Why he would make it so hard for me to make friends and keep them. Why he would give me a massive lack of wit that even my sister had and why, instead of arguing in a calm, cool manner, I would always get hugely upset and dash off to cry alone in the bathroom when I was trying to appear strong. Why I moved around so much and never got to experience what life would be like if I had stayed in one place.
For years I begged to be normal. I begged God to take away all of the differences that seemed like curses.
And he said no.
No, you will never be normal.
It wasn’t until the past couple years that I finally heard the rest of his words.
You won’t ever be like everyone else. But it isn’t a curse like you think it is. You are different and you see the world differently. I made you like that for a reason. You don’t understand it yet. You just see the bad parts of it right now. But in time, you’ll realize that my plan is perfect and you’ll be thankful for the things that you hate now.
So I try to believe that. And in little ways, I do begin to see it. I still hate that I am so scared of talking to people and still hate how shy and unsociable I am. But I can see little gifts as well.
I am thankful for the life that I’ve lived so far. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t go back and ask for a typical life. I love all the moves that I’ve had. I’ve gotten to see so many different people and places and to travel so much. I love looking back at my younger self and laughing about how strange I was. I love that when I was younger I wasn’t aware of social expectations and was so free to be weird and to love it. I am so thankful for the family that I was placed in and for the mind that I was given.
Do I want to be normal?
No. I don’t.
Yes, there are times when I am still so mad that I am so different and weird. But in the end, I am thankful. So thankful.
Are you a weird-o, too? 😉 What things in your life have you thought of as curses but have turned out to be blessings? How has God spoken to you to help you see yourself the way that he sees you? Let’s chat in the comments!
Has anyone else moved a lot?