My sugar glider Dreamer is very sick and in the vet hospital. I don’t know exactly what caused her problems. I do know, however, that in this experience God is teaching me to trust him. To surrender to him.
A few weeks ago Dreamer once again started struggling with constipation. I didn’t think much of it because this has been a problem on and off for almost two years now. I gave her some orange and some pumpkin and hoped that it would clear her up like normal.
It didn’t. Instead, things got a lot worse. A lot worse.
I swallowed my terror of speaking to people on the phone and called fourteen different vets. It was the week for them to be booked up apparently because out of all of those vets, no one could see her this week.
We decided to take her to an ER vet as a last resort. Even though she was hiding it, she was in so much pain. She crabbed at me when I touched her – something she never ever does. As I was walking out to the car with my hand over her little body in the bonding pouch, keeping her warm and safe from the chilling wind, I felt God whisper into my heart.
“Just like your hands are around her, protecting her from the elements outside, my hands are around you. I love you more than you love her. You are flawed and make mistakes and you’re helpless. I am not. I know what I’m doing. You’re not alone. Trust me.”
That was…huge to hear at that moment. To know that God saw and cared and that he would take the time to speak that to me was so so encouraging. To know that he cared about my pet, too, even though she was just an animal. So I sat back, sure that within an hour Dreamer would be in the very best of care.
We drove 45 minutes only to realize that the ER’s exotics doctor was out. Hurrah. We grabbed donuts and tried to figure out what to do. While the rest of my family went shopping, I sat in the car and called more vets. And when that didn’t work, I sat back and sighed.
Is this what surrendering is, God? Trusting that you’ll take care of the things that I care about and then having every door slammed in my face?
And God said back, Trust me. Let go.
I’d done everything that I could do and I had nothing to show for it. I’d tried my best and failed. Dreamer squirmed in the pouch and gave a little grunt of pain. And I felt so terribly helpless.
Trust me. God said. Surrender this to me.
I didn’t want to because it felt safer to hold onto my little shreds of non-existent control than take the chance that I would jump and God would let me fall.
But by the time my family returned to the car, I’d pried my hands open and let go. I accepted the fact that I couldn’t fix this and that God would have to be the one. Either he would have to take away the sickness inside of her or he would have to open a door to one of the vets because I couldn’t.
And, as miserable as I was, I had peace at the same time.
A few hours later, Mama called the vet near us one last time to see if it was possible for us to come in because of how sick she was. I wasn’t expecting any results and was miserably staring at my Latin worksheets when I heard Mama call me.
God had opened the door.
The amazing vet just five minutes from our house agreed to see us. We took Dreamer in and they were able to figure out what was going on. Just in time, too, because her bladder was extremely swollen (they said it was almost the size of a quarter) and her colon so full of poop that it could have burst if we’d waited. Yes, she is still in bad shape and still in the hospital.
But God provided when I reached the end of my own strength. When I let go, he took control and led me exactly where I wanted to go.
A few nights before, I had told God that I couldn’t surrender every bit of my life because I didn’t trust yet that he wouldn’t hurt me in awful ways. I asked him to show me how to surrender. And he used my sick sugar glider to do that.