I was scanning through old unpublished blog posts earlier, and I came across one that I had written sometime in the middle of 2019. In it, I had three bullet points. #1: I’m imperfect. #2: I’m ashamed. #3: Wondering where it left me. Honestly, I was out of hope, out of answers and just plain worn down when I wrote that post. Reading through it again, I can see how far I’ve come since then. I can’t say that I don’t agree with what I had written there, but I do have hope now. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I’ve been stupid through the past few years. I’ve thought of myself when I should have been caring for others. I yelled and stormed away when I should have stayed. I’ve lied to my friends and told them that I was fine, when I was really breaking inside. I’ve been so lonely, but I just push everyone away. I reasoned every sin in my mind, only to realize that I was wrong – just because someone else sins doesn’t justify me doing the same thing.
I’m not proud of things that I’ve done. I’m not proud of the physical and emotional scars that my family has because of my anger. I’ve disobeyed God’s laws. I’ve disobeyed my parents and shut my siblings out. I’m not the person that I want to be. I’m not the shining picture of perfection that I long to be. I’m just little old me.
While God has taken away a ton of the anger inside of me, there are times that it continues to follow me. I’ve listened to its words for far too long. And when it blinds my eyes to the truth, I blindly follow its voice down bitter paths of rage and hatred. I hurt myself and the people that I love most.
I like to hide this part of me because she isn’t beautiful or perfect. She’s real, she’s broken, she’s scared. She panics inwardly each day, hoping that she will have the right answers to every question life throws at her. She wants desperately to be able to fix every wrong in her life but she’s too terrified to face the reality that she’s not big enough or strong enough to make everything better. She wants to cry, hoping that maybe tears will wash away the shame and the self-hatred that she feels burning inside of her heart.
I’ve fallen too many times to count. I’m scraped and scarred because I’ve allowed anger, bitterness and fear to plant seeds in my heart. I’ve watered them and let them grow strong. They’ll kill me, but I’m scared that getting rid of them will hurt more.
I have hope
Darkness may last the night, but joy comes with the morning – Psalm 30:6
At times I thought that hope was just in fairy tales where everyone had happily-ever-afters. But I’ve come to realize that hope is a real thing; something tangible, something beautiful and something that often finds you in your most desperate moments.
I have a purpose
In all my prayers for you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus – Philippians 1:4-7
I was created with a unique purpose and a story that will be woven as each day of my life progresses. I wasn’t an accident or a mistake. I was formed by a God who knows exactly what is in store for me. I’m not worthless like I believed I was.
Friends, remember that light. Each day you’re getting closer to it. One day you will step into the light and you will see that it had never left you.