Minnesota

I wrote this while we were in Minnesota. It is a dump of random thoughts and feelings. XD

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Minnesota. The Land of a Thousand Lakes. I feel so many different emotions as we drive along in a beat up rental car. The cattails beside the road remind me of all the walks I took as I ran my hands through the stalks and felt their roughness slide between my fingers.

Familiar city names written in white letters on green signs jog a flow of memories: the full Tuesdays filled with long drives, Adventures in Odyssey and shopping; the fun family outings filled with laughter and smiles; the late night trips to the mall and supper at IHOP afterwards.

When we lived here, I couldn’t wait to leave. I wanted to burn the bridges behind me and start a new life. Yet when I found myself back in the familiar city in January, a mere two months later, I didn’t want to go back home. Did I want to stay? No.

I wanted to grow wings and fly away; see the ground below me with all of the hurt and broken people and to be high above it all. To be untouchable. Free and unbound. If I kept moving, I’d never have to stop and feel the shards of pain digging into my heart.

I’ve realized that eventually, I have to stop running and turn and face my fears. If I don’t, they’ll haunt me forever.

Do I want to go home now? Not really. I miss my family and Inky and Dreamer. I miss the beautiful mountains and the gentle rain. But in my heart, I want to keep traveling, moving and searching for what I know I will never find until I stop: a place to belong. A place where I’m not weird or strange. When I don’t find it in one place, I want to leave. But I’ll only find it if I stay and work hard.

As signs for Eden Prairie rush past my eyes and our hotel comes into view, I dare to let myself miss Tennessee. Just a bit.

~Hattush