Identity Crisis

Who am I?

Three tiny words that cause so much searching, heartache, pain and longing. We are all wondering who we truly are. When our possessions and facades are stripped away, what are we really left with?

For years I’ve been confused about who I am and what I’m supposed to be doing in life. Different messages bombard me constantly and tell me who I’m supposed to be.

“Don’t be shy. Be outgoing. Grab life by the horns and ride it!”

“Girl, you’re WAY too angry! Christians aren’t supposed to be angry. You’re supposed to be the perfect image of self-control. Take all the blows and just smile.”

“Go to college. Gain and education and make your mark on the world. Don’t let anyone stop you.”

“Your one and only purpose in life is to make men happy and to raise children. Anything beyond that – a job, college, art – it’s sinful and you’ll be going against everything that God made you to be!”

“If you don’t wear a skirt and head covering, you’re flaunting your body wrongly. If you cut your hair or pierce your ears, you’re too concerned with your outward appearances.”

“Dancing is forbidden. Any music besides hymns is evil and from the devil.”

“Lose yourself! Don’t listen to anything but your heart. Do anything you can to forget your pain.”

“Happiness is the highest virtue that we can achieve in life!”

“Be yourself and be true to everything that you really are….just make sure that it fits within my standards.”

“Be strong. Don’t ever bother anyone with your problems or your pain. You’re weak if you share it. You are an island.”

The list goes on and on. I’m a homeschooled, Christian teen with a semi-big family, who has moved a ton of times and wears weird clothes. In other words, I don’t fit in. Period. Not in church. Not anywhere else. I don’t fit in with the homeschooler community and not with the “normal” community (whatever normal really is….I’m beginning to think it is a fantasy place that we all build up in our minds.)

If I define myself by my experiences or by mere titles, I’m going to go crazy trying to get out of a mold that I was never meant to fit. If I live by the standards of the world and become who they are, I’ll be selling out. That’s not me.

The only place that we will ever find peace and answers is in God. He made us who we are and he knows everything about us – including who we truly are. He knows our identity.

Truths about who I am in Christ:

I am created in His image with a purpose and a plan. I am his workmanship. He chose me before the world was created and brought me out of darkness into light.

I am a citizen of heaven. I have been accepted by Christ, flaws and all. God’s peace guards my heart.

I am a new creation. Jesus’s blood has cleansed my heart and made me new. I am loved by an infinite, deep, unimaginable love.

I don’t have all the answers. I’m still trying to figure it all out and it will be a journey that lasts my whole life. But I can say with assurance that I am a child of God. That’s where my truest sense of identity lies.

I leave you with a question: who are you?

~Hattush